Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Onion Ring distribution system and sweaters covered in cat hair: 7 great things about being a writer!

Alright, sometimes here at Three Dead Moths … I’m all, 'writing is hard, you have to stalk people and be persistent, your characters talk smack about you behind your back, and then you have to re-write.'

Well today, it’s all chai tea and blue skies. 

Sure you get very thirsty explaining over and over why you’re not selling as many books as that British woman who wrote about the boy wizard. You spend your whole life trying to convince your family and friends that you are not writing about them. But in what other profession can you talk to yourself and everyone thinks you’re a creative genius? In what other profession can you have the worst, unproductive day and still get to eat sushi and sour ju jubes, and drown your sorrows in a big glass of living the dream?! 

So with apologies to David Letterman … here goes:

Seven great things about being a writer …

7) Your wardrobe consists of sweatpants, sweaters covered in cat hair, fuzzy socks and you are still better dressed than half the writers you know. Underwear optional.

6) You can make fun of poets.

5) You can sit in the back yard all day, bask in the sun, watch the dandelions grow around you, re-apply sunscreen, drink fizzy water, read, and call it research.

4) You can watch your neighbours house get robbed, write an article about it and call it creative non-fiction.

3) You can threaten people with the following sentence: “if you don’t stop bugging me I’ll kill you in my next novel.”

2) When people introduce you they say, this is my: friend, sis, aunt, sasquatch, daughter, colleague, neighbour, stalker and she’s a writer!

And the number one reason why it’s great to be a writer.

1)   You can follow two guys, for blocks on Robson Ave. in Vancouver, who are talking about onion ring distribution systems to try to figure out what motivates them and listen to their dialogue, er, how they talk, and you won’t get arrested (not that I would ever do that – seriously though, onion ring distribution systems?! – they must be international spies).

Note: A major fast food restaurant that claims their onion rings are “made fresh daily” – they may well be made fresh daily but not where you are buying them – they are shipped from one end of the country and back.

Note: I really like poets, some of my best friends are poets, so no angry retaliatory haikus please ;-j.

So, that's it, happy reading, I'm off to crack this onion ring conspiracy wide open, and pick some cat hair off my sweater! 

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Large sum of money and a yellow Harley t-shirt

So, there was a long voicemail message on my phone from the police. 

It was a recorded message that they sent out to everyone in the neighbourhood because there was a crime. 

Here’s a transcript of the message that was about a bank robbery in the ‘hood:

“The culprit is believed to have discarded money and clothes some where in the area and the police are asking you to look in your backyards for a large sum of money and clothes described as a yellow Harley tee-shirt, jeans, black hat with red and white logos on the front and back. If you find any money and or clothes matching this description or if you have any info regarding this incident please call the robbery unit....” 

 Okay, for me this raises three questions:
  1. is guy walking around naked?
  2. are we so Canadian that we would return a large sum or money found in our backyard? and,
  3. isn’t the idea of a robbery to keep the money instead of ditching it in someone’s backyard?
I thought it was a hilarious message. If you write crime thrillers, feel free to use this as a jumping off point. 

As Sherlock Holmes would say: “Is there any point to which you wish to draw my attention.” 

Anyway, got to go check the back yard for a, um, large sum of money ....